My son was sent home from sleepover, for bad behavior

It is a learning opportunity, but for more than one person, especially your child and you.

First, you need to get the whole story, and you can't get it all from your son; he may well not understand what the adult was expecting at the time. So speak to the adult.

I did say adult, but that is not the way an adult should handle the situation. Were it a sleepover at my house, and a child was misbehaving badly, I would not send a child home; I would sit down with them privately and go over what I expect of them (no hurting other kids, no name calling, etc.) Only if the child was truly hurtful again after a warning would I take a guest back to their house.

Laughing while I (as an adult) was explaining something might get the kid a lecture, but not the boot. Sending a kid home for disrespecting an adult sends up all kinds of red flags to me.

Talk to your neighbor. Be careful to remain very neutral; if he feels judged, he may make things out to be worse than they were. Get as much detail as you can.

Check in with your son. Compare the stories. Figure out to the best of your ability what likely happened, and who was more at fault for being "disrespectful", your son or your neighbor? Keep that in mind for the future.

Have your son make a formal apology to your neighbor. An apology is more than just "I'm sorry." Have your son also name what he did wrong and have him assure the adult he won't do it again.

If that's not enough to put your son back in the neighbor's good graces, that's another red flag.

Whatever you do, support your son where you can as well. He was humiliated in front of his friends (maybe he deserved it, but maybe not) and he came home crying. He has suffered.

Personally, I'm not in favor of of a blind "respect authority" approach. Please read about Adam Walsh for an extreme case, or any story of child abuse for an everyday example. Not all adults should be obeyed. Some adults should be steered clear of.

Either dad is overreacting or there is more to the story than he initially reported. I can't imagine that something the child has already been corrected for (taken home, not allowed to stay) would then require additional penalties. I wouldn't say that to the dad, as it's not likely to go over well telling an adult you think they are handling something badly. Instead, I'd ask him to clarify and ask what his intentions are here and when will this pass, or does he want my child do do something to get back in his good graces.

Perhaps it could be something as simple as the dad thinking that your son should have come over to apologize. He might see his coming over to play as him not dealing with it. I know your son might be sorry for sure, but that doesn't mean he has told that dad he is sorry. Usually a direct apology and ownership of the mistake is enough to get most adults to let it go. I would hope so in this case if all he did was laugh at the wrong time.

I would also ask your son again about the laughing. Maybe he did laugh at what another child said. I would check in though to see if it's more than just that. Laughing while under stress is actually a known character trait. I have a child that laughs when she is in trouble. It isn't meant to be rude and it's something I will have to help her learn to curb, but it's a nervous reaction.

I don't recall having it as a child (though perhaps I did) but I am also one to laugh sometimes at the wrong time as an adult. I hate when it happens. It absolutely will offend people if the timing is awful. I have laughed during a funeral, where I was very sad. Sometimes the more sad and stressed I am, the more likely I am to find everything hilarious. I have no idea why and wish I didn't most of the time.

I assume it's my system's way of getting through a difficult time. I am especially prone to long fits of giggling (like eye watering, need to sit down laughing) when going through grief. I didn't even know that until I was grown and started having losses that were people closer to me. I laugh a lot during grief. That generally doesn't bother me, as usually it happens at okay times, like when I am at home on my way to the funeral and spill coffee all over.

Normally such a thing will cause me maybe to swear, and be annoyed. When I am under stress or grief it may cause me a 10 mins laughing fit. I have then had it prolonged because the more other people seem confused about why I am laughing, I laugh at how stupid my reason is. It sometimes is referred to as "inappropriate affect". If it happens all the time, it's a real issue that you should seek help with.

If it's more specific, like when in trouble, or only under specific stresses and doesn't impair your life, it's just something you work on curbing. I just brought it up in case you do see this come out from him at other times. Getting in trouble for it won't assist you in learning how to manage it in a way that others won't find as offensive.

I think there are two possibilities:

1. The other dad is crazy. Sorry, maybe I am exaggerating, but if your son said the truth, I would be the one never to send my son over. I am especially worried about the fact the next day he would not allow him over, it seems a childish behavior and what I expect from someone who has a really big ego problem.

2. Your son is not saying a fraction of what happened. He may have done something really bad he is afraid of letting you know, and so that even the other dad is not telling you for fear of generating real problems (so the other dad is actually being respectful and tactful). No idea of what that might be, but it must be something really serious.

Either way, you need to decide which one, and I think the only way is to have a very frank, open discussion with your neighbour, and then with your son again.

Having your son apologise until you know what happened makes no sense to me, apologise for what? You need to get to the bottom of it so, if something happened, you apologise for what really happened.

Something does not add up. I would definitely talk to the other dad and say something along the lines of "I'm sorry my son misbehaved. Could you give me some details so that I can make sure he understands what he did was wrong?" No matter what he says, I would reply with "Thanks, I'll talk to my son about it."

This gives you a chance to get the whole story. It may be that your son was telling the truth, that there was a misunderstanding, or that your son was, in fact, misbehaving.

If the first, as others have said, this seems like an overreaction and I would take it as a warning sign.

If the second, I would give it a few days for things to cool off. Then go over with your son, apologize for the misunderstanding and maybe invite their kids over to your house to play.

If the third, talk to your son about what he did wrong and make him go over and apologize.

I always used to smile/grin when I was nervous as a child. It was something I couldn't help. A lot of people misconstrued it as being cheeky and defiant.

I can imagine that at 9 years old, I would have been grinning from ear to ear if a neighbour had told me off. In fact I'm sure it happened a few times.

It could be something your son always does, or just did in this situation.

Either way, I'd explain this possibility to the neighbour and see if he's open to taking a look at the situation from the perspective of a young child.

Whether the neighbour is receptive or not, I would explain to your son that I think it was a nervous smile, and that people will misunderstand it in future, so he should try not to do it, but not to worry too much because humans misunderstanding each other is a part of life.

Even assuming that your son is telling the truth and the whole truth and not shading the truth, the father's reaction seems perfectly reasonable to me. It's not a motel or a football stadium, it's someone's home. It's a privilege for your son to be invited there. This man is not a teacher or babysitter being paid to handle your son's behavior.

What's conspicuously missing from the whole story is an apology by your son. Of course the dad didn't let him come over the next day -- he's waiting for an apology from the kid acknowledging that he was rude and promising to behave better in the future. Such an apology should have happened early on, like immediately. If the kid has never learned how to apologize for misbehavior, then it's time for him to learn. His behavior was rude on the face of it, even if there is nothing more to the story than what he said.

It's possible that he really didn't intend to be rude, but that doesn't matter. If I step on someone's toe in the supermarket, I don't laugh it off, and it doesn't matter that I didn't intend to step on their toe. I apologize immediately because that's polite behavior in that situation. Ditto if I ask a woman when the baby is due when in fact she's not pregnant. Ditto if I make a joke about plumbers' butt cracks at a barbecue, and it turns out the guy I was telling it to was a plumber. It doesn't matter if I thought the woman was pregnant, or I didn't know the guy was a plumber. Your son is 9, and that's plenty old enough to understand this concept of polite behavior.

This may largely be a matter of different parenting styles and expectations. I don't feel it needs to end up being a case where you feel you have to take sides between your son and your neighbor --they might both be "right" in different ways. As most other people have mentioned, the first step is to have a private, adult-to-adult conversation with your neighbor, and get the full story from his side, with details. This really should have happened as soon as possible, and definitely prior to your son trying to go play at the neighbor's house again.

What we do definitely know is that there is a disconnect between what this parent expects, and your son's behavior. After hearing the whole story, you might decide that the other parent's expectations are unreasonable, and that your son shouldn't try to meet them. In that case, your son shouldn't play over there any more. On the other hand, even the best raised 9-year-olds can misjudge the right time for a joke. If the other parent was trying to explain a safety matter, or respond to a child being hurt, for example, a bunch of inappropriate laughter might have been more than he wanted to put up with at that moment. In that case, you should have a talk with your son about the need to match his behavior to the other parent's expectations if he wants to be invited to play there again (emphasis on "invited").

Either way, it is a parent's right (barring abusiveness) to set expectations in their own house, and to expect child guests to honor those (maybe he just didn't want to be laughed at by a 9-year-old in front of his own kids). We all encounter situations where we either have to meet the local standard or go home (whether we agree with it may be besides the point). The fact that you live across the street doesn't obligate either you to change your standards, or them to change theirs.

As many people has pointed out: Something does not match up. Your neighbours reaction is, according to the vast majority, not proportional to the "crime".

Many years ago a similar thing happened for a friend: His son was caught playing doctor at a friends house. He was sent home, and neither the parents, being ashamed of their own child, or the my friends son (also ashamed) told the truth.

This explanation might be unlikely, but at least you should consider it and talk to your son about it.

He said he was sending him home due to being rude, disrespectful, and
defiant to authority. But he didn't provide me specific examples of
what my son actually did.

This is a huge red flag. Passive aggressive behavior like this (i.e., no specific example) shows a lack of respect in general. The fact that he held a grudge the next day demonstrates that he's petty and judgmental. A grudge against a 9-year-old! If you can't handle the energy of a few random kids with different upbringings, then don't host a sleep over. He's weak.

I would side with your son without investigating further. Trust your kid. If the other father had a valid point, your kid had already learned that lesson.

The real lesson here for your son is you don't solve problems by avoidance. You confront problems directly, unlike this guy. If someone under your authority misbehaves then you correct them, you don't ostracize them or hold a grudge. If you cannot handle a problem, you communicate it properly and not with the judgmental nonsense that this guy laid on you.

The fact that this father was ready to completely humiliate you and your son over what sounds like a triviality, doesn't say anything good about him. If your son had actually done anything warranting this sort of treatment, the father would have told you about it. The fact that he wouldn't give any details most likely means that he knows it will sound petty.

The most important thing is to support your son. In the absence of any other evidence I think you need to assume the other child's father is really the one at fault, and not your son.

The father sounds like a very petty, insecure man, who requires absolute obedience in order to validate himself.

Perhaps you can approach the father again and ask him to tell you what your son did, so that you can speak to him about it. If he still refuses to give any details, then your son probably just needs to hang out with his friend elsewhere. There may not be any better resolution. If it were my son, I would have concerns about him being around such a person anyway.

Woahhhhhhh